3 Good Friends
by Nothing Really Specific
Summary: Can we agree for a moment that as much as we love the rooster he is an idiot. This is a story on how stupid Panchito can be sometimes. In an effort on how he is trying to save a relationship, keep his friends, and do everything else...completely wrong. A spin-off mini series to the "Panchito" series. Theme Song: "Fader" by The Temper Trap. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Salt and Sugar Have the Same Consistency

**3 Good Friends  
**

**Story Theme Song: "Til Kingdom Come" by Passion Pit**

* * *

**_Chapter One: Salt and Sugar Have the Same Consistency_**

Donald was minding his own business. In fact, he was about to conduct very important business with his girlfriend. He stood in his living room.

"Alright," he said, having a check list in feathered hand, "let's see, breath spray."

He felt his pocket.

"Check. CD Player with Marvin Gaye CD."

He looked down at the coffee table behind him. There was the CD Player and beside it was a Russell Stover's box of assorted chocolate and a bouquet of red roses.

"Check all three of those." Donald said as he checked off the CD Player, chocolate box and roses.

"Now all that's left are the lights." Donald moved over to the light switch next to his front door. He flipped the switch. The room went dark save for red lights that were conveniently placed to light the room to get into that loving making room.

Donald got down on one knee and puckered his lips. As soon as he did this a knock at the door was heard. Donald very quickly opened the door and resumed his position.

The flashing of a camera light.

Donald opened his eyes, screamed in embarrassment, shut the door, turned on the lights and barricaded the door with his body.

"That's it." He said. "I'm going to overdose on pills." The duck pulled out his inhaler and gave himself two puffs. He breathed in and out. "It's okay Donald, maybe he'll go away."

Silence.

When Donald was sure of himself that the intruder was gone he opened the door slowly and upon seeing that he was still standing there, gave in and opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" He asked in annoyance, almost a whine.

"To see an old friend is all." The person answered as he entered the house.

"No, I mean why are you here!" Donald screamed.

"Oh, I drove a semi full of sugar over the border."

Donald slapped himself in the face and sighed. "A semi full of sugar huh?"

"Si, in fact I think I saw a black van following me."

Donald looked at his friend, who was obviously Panchito Pistoles. "A black van?" He asked getting nervous as he moved towards the windows making sure they were locked, as well as all the doors and checked every single crevasse, making sure it was barricaded.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy Donal'" Panchito said as the duck rushed past him. "what's the big deal?"

"Panchito," Donald said seriously. "Did that black van have anything written on it?"

Panchito nodded slowly to match his friend's nervousness, "Si, it had the word Phoebe on it."

"Phoebe huh?" Donald repeated a bit confused. "Can you spell it?"

"F-B-I." Panchito said. "Phoebe."

Donald's eyes grew large and out of his head. Panchito laughed, "Hey look, you're just like Daffy Duck!"

"The F-B-I, Panchito, FBI!" Donald screamed.

"Si, Phoebe." Panchito replied apparently not getting it.

"No, you're not getting it. FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Investigation."

"Say what?" Panchito said a bit confused but a light bulb was there. It just wasn't turned on.

Can we agree for a moment that as much as we love the rooster he is an idiot because outside of Donald Duck's house said black van. Apparently, Panchito is the only identifiable anamorphic rooster in the world.

As soon as a some sort of vehicle pulled up in front Donald quickly looked out the window and almost fainted again. Panchito caught him.

"Panchito, what was in that van!" Donald asked.

"Sugar, I told you." Panchito said, "geez, you don't trust me for nothing man."

" Sir, we have you surrounded come out with your hands up!" An FBI Agent screamed into a megaphone. It squeaked a bit.

Panchito shrugged his shoulders and opened the door. He stood out on the porch.

"Okay," Panchito said, "but eh you know their feathers right?"

The FBI Agent with the megaphone, who we'll call Jim, spoke in his instrument again. "Don't care sir."

"Alright, but I'm telling you, I don't know what this is about." The rooster said.

" What was in the vehicle that our surveillance caught you crossing the border with?" Jim said, again, in the megaphone.

"Table sugar." Panchito answered as he walked willingly across the lawn.

Even though that Panchito was literally three feet from the man, Jim still spoke in the megaphone. "Are you aware that you are in possession of a large amount of money?"

Panchito motioned for the megaphone. Jim handed to him. Panchito spoke in the megaphone. "What large amount of money?" He asked.

They continued this passing of the megaphone, each time they said something it was through this. All from three feet from each other.

"The money that was handed to you before you got in the truck sir." Jim said.

"Oh that was Vito, he paid me to deliver this to a Wendy's in El Paso." Panchito replied.

"Where is the vehicle sir?"

Panchito rolled his eyes and stopped the hot potato game. "Can we talk in the house?" Jim nodded and followed the rooster inside.

Donald was fainted on the floor.

"What's wrong with him?" Jim asked.

"Oh him," Panchito said, "it's just Donald being Donald."

"Is he alright?"

Panchito nodded, "Oh sure."

He pulled out a Beretta M9, which caused Jim to go on defense. Panchito saw this and simply pointed his weapon in the air and fired. He quickly sheathed it. Jim eased up.

"Don't do that." Jim said.

"Noted." Panchito answered.

"Now, where is the vehicle sire?" Jim asked.

"Sire? Cool I'm royalty now." Panchito said with a smile.

"Shut up it was a typo!" Jim shouted. "Now where is the vehicle?"

" Eh, Wendy's?" Panchito said this as if Jim should know.

"Where sir?" Jim asked with a sigh. It was going to be one of those days.

"In El Paso." Panchito answered.

"Where sir?" Jim asked again, this time louder and more annoyed. He was three seconds from ringing the rooster's neck. Panchito simply pulled out a file and filed his nails. He was being an asshole on purpose.

"Lo siento, I broke a cuticle." The rooster placed the file back in his pocket where he got it from. "Now what did you say?"

Jim's face was redder than Sriracha sauce. Panchito noticed.

"Wow, you're redder than Sriracha sauce, want me to get you a glass of water?" He asked politely.

Jim was past the point of politeness. Remember the Bull in those Bugs Bunny cartoons? Jim was that bull. He was raging mad and Panchito, who was a certified matador, was five seconds from pulling a red cape from his sleeve, in fact, just to be a further asshole, he pulled one out just in case.

"WHICH WENDY'S IS IT!" Jim screamed.

This caused Donald to wake up. He stood up and slapped Jim in the face. "No!"

"Boy, do you have any idea what you just did?" Jim asked.

"Yeah," Panchito said, "he was protecting me you asshole." The rooster smiled.

"I'm the asshole?" Jim asked confused, he turned around, opened the door and stuck his head out. "Hey Bob, am I an asshole?"

"Yes!" Bob said.

"Darn." Jim said with a sigh. "I thought I was doing good."

"Don't feel bad," Panchito said waling over to the man and placing his arm around him, "we all make mistakes."

"Yeah," Jim said, "we do."

In three seconds, Panchito was handcuffed. The rooster smiled, "Oh that's good."

"Thanks." Jim said, and lead the rooster out of the house. "You are under arrest," Jim continued, "for Illegally transporting extremely unusual large amounts of illegal items to a fast food restaurant ultimately endangering the well being of children."

"Endangering the well being of children my ass, I'm telling you, it's just sugar!" The rooster protested. "And," Panchito said continuing, " Wouldn't I also endangering the well being of the adults too if I did it, which I didn't, I'm just saying."

" I don't care about the adults sir I care about the kids." Jim said.

"Well," Panchito said as he was escorted into the van. "that's a bit-"

" Half of those people are probably on the stuff anyway."

"What, sugar?"

Jim sighed and rolled his eyes, "You don't get it do you?"

"Get what, that I'm arrested for sugar?" Panchito asked.

Donald walked out onto the lawn a bit concerned but mostly wanting to see Panchito whisked away, he would bail him out later, but at the moment, he secretly wanted Panchito to die.

Jim turned around as the van door was closed on the rooster.

"Is he yours?'

"Unfortunately." Donald said.

"I'm so sorry." Jim said.

'No, you have to ride with him, I'm the one that should be saying that."

Daisy pulled up soon after. When she saw the van and Donald next to it, she became severely distressed and ran over as fast as her heels would allow her.

Jim and Donald looked at her and waited to for her to catch her breath.

"Give...me...one..second." Daisy said. He breathed in and out. "In and out, in and out. okay, you're calm, you're cool, you're collective. Remember your therapy. Remember your therapy."

Jim looked at Donald in a 'Oh my god she's nuts!' kind of way. Donald nodded.

"What's going on?" Daisy asked.

"Nothing." Jim and Donald said simultaneously.

Jim got into his van. Donald and Daisy entered the house.

As Jim drove to the prison, yes, the prison, with Bob in the passenger, Panchito was in the back, singing a song:

_"I met a devil woman, she took my heart away. She said, I've had it comin' to me, but I wanted it that way.I think that any love is good lovin', so I took what I could get, mmh. Oooh, oooh she looked at me with big brown eyes and said, you ain't seen nothin' yet. B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. Here's something that you never gonna forget. B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet!" _

"Sir!" Jim cried a bit annoyed, "are you high?"

Panchito stopped signing. "Now define high?"

Jim and Bob shrugged, "Fair enough." They joined him, custom dance moves included:

_"You ain't seen nothin' yet. Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. Here's something, here's something. Here's something that your never gonna forget, baby, baby, baby, baby you ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. You ain't been around, you ain't seen nothin' yet, that's what she told me. She said, "I needed educatin', go to school". I know I ain't seen nothin' yet I know I ain't seen nothin' yet."_

* * *

When they got to the prison, Panchito was taken to a line up room. He was the only one present in the blinding white light. In the two way window in the small room on the other side was Jim, Bob and a woman.

"Ma'am," Jim said, "is that him?"

The woman looked at Panchito, who swayed back and forth on his talons and started whistling the melody to 'Ain't Seen Nothing Yet' because they sang it all the way there and it was stuck in his head.

The woman nodded. "Yes, that's him." She cried and had the image of someone who cries a lot. Handkerchief, blue purse, the bonnet type thingy on the head, glasses, she pretty much looked like Miss Prissy from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. We'll just call her that, Miss Prissy.

"Thanks the man that gave my son drugs!"

Panchito heard this, for there were speakers in both rooms and they were on. "Rooster technically but okay."

"Irrelevant information sir." Jim said.

Panchito smiled and mocked him the way a little kid would, a high pitched failed whispering attempt with a masterful whine. "Irrelevant information sir."

"What did you say?" Jim asked feeling a bit intimidated and is one of those people that loved being at the top of the food chain.

Panchito straightened his belt and sombrero and with all the force he could muster screamed: "IRRELEVANT INFORMATION SIR!"

"Geez," Panchito said, voice at normal levels, "are you deaf?"

Jim, Bob and Miss Prissy held their ears, for they were ringing. "No, but now we are!" They said. Panchito smiled and winked towards us. Yes, we're in this story too.

"What's in the vehicle sir?" Bob asked.

"I already told you, for the millionth time, it's sugar." Panchito said, he was getting annoyed at having to give the answer to the same question.

"Are you aware of the recent incident at the Wendy's?" Jim asked.

"Is that why she's here?" Panchito asked, "Because she just randomly appeared out of nowhere."

"Yes, that's why she's here. Anyway, a bunch of kids were exposed to a substance, a white, crystal like substance that caused them to behave rather oddly."

"Such as?" the rooster said, concern growing tenfold. If there was one thing he didn't want to do ever in his life was hurt kids. He worked with them for years and wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew he caused a child any sort of pain or misery.

" Breaking objects, chewing the back of chairs, swinging from lights, breaking toilets, drinking from the drink dispenser." Jim said.

"That last one doesn't even make sense!" Panchito cried.

"Exactly." Jim replied. "Do you care to explain?"

"Yeah," Panchito said, "they're kids, give them a chocolate bar at three years of age and they're hooked for life to the stuff."

Jim smiled, "Is that a confession?"

"Okay so I accidently mixed up the salt and sugar okay!" Panchito cried.

"Wait," Jim was confused, "salt and sugar?"

"Sir," Bob said, "we just got a call from Krispy Kreme."

"There's the salt!" Panchito said happily.

"You're under arrest." Jim said. He wasn't buying the whole salt and sugar business.

"Already here," Panchito said, "and getting arrest for mixing up an order, wow that's harsh."

"My son is in a coma because of you!" Miss Prissy protested.

" I'll send him a sympathy card, can I please leave?" Panchito asked.

"No." Jim answered.

" Call my Uncle Vito, he'll vouch for me." Panchito answered.

"Where is he sir?" Jim asked.

"I don't know, work maybe." Panchito answered.

"Where does he work?"

"KFC." Panchito said.

Jim stopped and looked at the rooster for clarification. "Are you bullshitting me?" He asked.

"No!" Panchito cried.

Jim sighed, "How ironic."

"I know right." Panchito said.

Jim dialed the number.

The KFC phone rang. Vito, Panchito's uncle, who was a rooster, the very same rooster who gave him the job was working the KFC cash register. He answered the phone after the second ring.

"Hello?" He said.

"Yes is this Mr. Vito?" Jim asked.

"Si." Vito replied.

"Are you aware that you're nephew is being charged with smuggling in illegal items across the United States border?"

Vito sighed angrily and rolled his eyes at the same time. " Is this about the sugar and salt?"

Jim hung his head. "Sure," he said, "I'll play along, yeah, it's about the sugar and salt."

" Did he mix up the order again?"

Jim sighed, he was giving up, he didn't want to deal with this business anymore and Panchito had only one 'offense' on record. This one.

"Apparently so."

"I told him," Vito said, "first deliver the sugar than the salt. Krispy Kreme then Wendy's, not hard."

"Of course sir." Jim said.

"So, he is not in trouble?" Vito asked.

Jim looked at the rooster who was smiling, doing a little dance to himself. Passion Pit was in his head.

"No." Jim said and hung up the phone.

Panchito meanwhile was singing:  
_"__Me, I cried out, "God", you dared me in the dark. I felt a hush fall quietly from my spark, so now I hide in piles of princely orange peels, it feels the way you told me how it'd always feel!" _


	2. Panchito Chases Panchito

**_Panchito Chased Panchito Around the Block and Down the Street_**

* * *

Panchito walked down the street from the police station realizing that he had nowhere to sleep that night. So he started walking down a familiar street. At the end of this familiar street, which conveniently named Familiar Street, was a cul-de-sac. In the center of said cul-de-sac was the house of Terry Dicks.

Terry Dicks. The IT Guy. The Nerd. The pocket protecting wearing straight man. The guy who moved out of his house at age 28. He is now 33.

Terry's house was simple, plain, not really flashy. The kind of house that see in television commercials. White picket fence kind of thing.

Panchito knocked on the door. Terry opened it, saw the rooster, said "Fuck you" and shut the door.

Panchito shrugged his shoulders. "It's alright Terry," he said, "I know you love me. I'm irresistible."

"Panchito, sic him!" Terry called from inside the house.

"You want me to sic myself?" Panchito asked. "Okay." He grabbed his tail feathers and lifted himself off the ground. He was a magician after all.

The rooster unfortunately did not hear the sound of a gigantic Great Dane who was the literal size of a horse break the door down and stare at his prey. The dog barked. Panchito smiled meekly and waved.

"So," Panchito said, admittedly afraid, "you're Panchito."

The dog stepped forward and barked again, slobber fell from his chin. Panchito smiled big much like Cheshire Cat. "Nice to meet you too."

Panchito, the dog, barked again then time, Panchito, the rooster, ran around the cul-de-sac. The dog chased him.

Panchito chased Panchito for three hours. During that time, the rooster was screaming for help.

"Terry!" He said. "Call this beast off!"

"Fuck you!" Terry said. "This is payback for ruining my life!"

"Oh Terry, come on," Panchito said as he slowed down a bit, "after all we've been through you're going to treat me like that?"

He stopped running. The dog came up behind him and almost bit his tail feathers off. The rooster simply placed a feathered hand on the dog's head and leaned nonchalantly. The rooster looked down at his chaser.

"Take a rest hombre," he said. "I have to say something."

The rooster stopped leaning and took a step forward, as if he were going to make a speech.

"Terry, I have been a friend to you for years, and I can honestly say that I have treated you better than anyone else on this boring street and you're all I got. Please, just one more night, for old time sake?"

"No!" Terry cried, he turned off all the lights and headed to bed. "Good night Panchito!"

The dog walked back towards the house.

"Adios you stupid dog." Panchito said. Panchito the Great Dane heard this, he turned around and resumed the chase. This time, down Familiar Street and down to Corner Street, which was the perpendicular intersection. Panchito, the rooster, ran as fast as he possibly could but the dog was right on his heels.

"Not cool man!" The rooster said, "Not cool!"

This chase disturbed Jose, who lived at the corner of the two streets. The parrot was sleeping soundly in what he called his tropical hammock. Literally. It was a hammock, which served as his bed that had a large heater under it. But it wasn't a lame heater. It was a heater that rich people have. In other words, it had pretty lights. Red, green, blues, and yellows gently filled this guys insanely massive room (that had a samba dance floor, a disco ball, which was always on and rotating). Jose also had a roommate.

In case you didn't know, there was a Fourth Caballero. He's a Cuban Trogon, his name was Cesar. This guy was a combination of the Three Caballeros. He had Donald's temper, Panchito's outlook, and Jose's suave (when it comes to women). He was a friend to everyone (literally), and enemy to everyone (literally) and had a pet which was in his head. A dodo bird by the name of Chris.

Cesar heard the commotion first.

"José!" Cesar cried in his sleep. His room was next door and was basically a large bird cage, for he was a small bird and loved the space.

"I think your mother's here!"

Jose didn't want to think, hear, or know anything about it. He just brushed it off and assumed that if his mother really wanted to talk to him she would-

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _

Call.

Jose opened one eye and angrily walked out of his room and to the kitchen to the phone.

He picked it up after the fifth ring.

"Hello?" The parrot said, trying to be as friendly as possible to whoever it was.

"Jose, there is a dog chasing me, I. Need. Help!"

"Where are you?" The parrot said with a sigh. He really didn't want to go anywhere except back to bed.

"On your porch."

Jose carried the phone with him to his door, opened the door and beheld Panchito was looking like total shit.

His beak was twisted in a way that made Quasimodo look handsome and his shirt was off. The dog, who was behind him was busy ripping it to shreds, was almost done and the rooster feared that his namesake would come to bite him back.

"Oh God!" Jose cried, "You look terrible."

Panchito nodded, "Yeah, Cujo over here saw to that."

The dog heard this name and stopped doing what he was doing. He wagged his tail and barked, this time rather lovingly as if that were his name to begin with. The rooster noticed this.

"Come here boy." he said, hopeful that this dog was tame now. Panchito was just like everybody else when it comes to dogs, can't resist them. I mean it didn't help that the dog was making that innocent, 'please play with me' face.

The dog charged and tackled Panchito to the ground, he licked his face. Jose was not impressed and closed the door.

"Idiot. Everyone knows that dogs love you. Terry just wants you dead. Idiot." Jose said. Slowly he made his way back to bed but was stopped once again from sleep but gunshots from who else.

"Who else!" Jose cried. Gunshots again. This time, Jose could locate the source, in Cesar's room.

Jose grew a bit concerned and knocked on the door.

"Cesar," the parrot said, "you okay?"

"Yeah." the Trogon replied, "but I think our rooster is hurt."

"What's wrong?" Jose asked, in truth, not caring anymore.

"Um..." Cesar took a moment to look out his window.

"he killed the dog and shot himself in the foot I think."

"What!" Jose cried not believing it.

Nope. Sorry Cesar, but you're wrong...well, sort of.

You think that Panchito Pistoles, the guy who is a master at the art of gunmanship, would have the sense not to shoot himself in the foot of all places, but you'd be wrong. Actually, it wasn't even his fault.

It all started with the house across the street from Jose.

This house belonged to the Asshole. Literally, that was his name.

Asshole was awoken by the rooster and the dog- as everyone within a three mile radius had been for it was insanely loud. But then, it is Panchito we're talking about here.

"Will you both shut up!" Asshole screamed as he walked out onto his porch with his shotgun. Panchito and the Great Dane were getting to know each other better which morphed into fake chasing and.. this.

"Alright, now, you have to go home now," Panchito said, "so," he pulled out his right Beretta, his less frequented weapon and threw it. "fetch!"

The dog did so.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Don't worry people, the dog lives, but the gun did go off. This caused the rooster to rush over to him and check up on him. The Great Dane was on the ground, unmoving.

"Cujo," Panchito said, with a tear. He got down on his knees and shouted to the sky. "PORQUE!"

"Because you're an idiot!" Asshole said and raised his shotgun. He fired.

Pause.

The author would like to comment that Panchito is always in the matrix.

Resume play.

The rooster, who heard the shot of course, instinctively preformed the awesome bending of the back that Neo does in the first (and only good) Matrix movie.

Panchito then was about to fire his own weapon but John, the police officer who lived next to Asshole, walked out on his porch and just shot the Asshole in the appropriate position.

"Shut up!" John cried. Asshole was screaming in pain on his porch and on his knees.

Panchito stood up, the dog did also. Panchito looked down at the dog and smiled, "You're a clever little bastard aren't you?"

For a moment, Panchito thought the dog laughed.

"Hey John," the rooster said, "mind if I-"

John rolled his eyes. "Come on." He said, "But just for tonight, don't be like Shiloh and come back. I don't want you."

"Got it. No sappy Disney movie." Panchito said and entered John's house.

Cesar, who was awake decided that the best way to get to sleep was to play music...at full volume.

Jose, who was willing to kill just about anybody to get some peace and quiet but remembered that he actually liked Cesar, walked into the smaller birds room and sambaed with him.

It lasted for two hours.

By the time Jose got some sleep the worst thing in the world happened to someone who was sleep deprived. His alarm went off.

"That's it." Jose said, as he punched his clock next to his hammock bed, sending it to the floor and burst into pieces. "I'm going to kill him."

He walked over to John's house, cigar in mouth and knocked on the door.

Panchito answered.

"Panchito," Jose said, "you are an asshole."

The parrot pulled out his umbrella and hit the rooster on the head. Panchito fell over backwards, it was that hard. Jose then reached in and closed the door.

"Thank you!" John said.

"You're welcome." Jose answered and walked back to his house to go to work, which was the worst job ever that he could ever have.

A concierge at a Memphis Hotel.

Every day he had to go to the airport. Why he didn't live in Memphis I don't know. Ask him.

"Because it's funny that I don't for some reason." Jose said to us.

No, that's just mean of the author- oh, right.

"Yeah." Jose said and flipped me off as he left his house.

Cesar, who loved Brazilian cigars, smoked one, smiled, and said: "Is this is going to be one of those stories?"

A knock at the door.

Cesar opened it and Panchito stood center stage.

"Yes," the rooster said, "it's going to be one of those stories."

"Really?" Cesar asked.

"Really." Panchito answered.

"But why?"

Panchito shrugged, "No se, I'm not the boss here."

Cesar turned towards me. "Please tell me that this is a one time thing. I won't be able to live like this."

Live like what?

"Are you serious? Live like what? I got zero sleep. You may have said or implied that I got sleep but I didn't and this guy has been running around up and down the street shouting and playing with a dog for six hours. You are crazy, there is something mentally wrong with you."

Suddenly a gigantic anvil appears over Cesar's head-

"Okay!" The Trogon said. "Just so you know you're an asshole."

"Now would be a good time to go." Panchito warned.

"Why, what's he gonna do? Cut me off and make me look like a-"

* * *

**Note: There actually was going to be a Fourth Caballero and he was going to be Cuban. The idea was never used. Disney missed out on an opportunity.**

**Inspired by various sitcoms (Sopranos) and the "asdf" videos on YouTube for the last bit with Panchito and Cesar.**


End file.
